I've seriously thought about creating a private blog for myself to sort of keep a journal of my life's journey. I type so much faster than I write. Even if I kept it private it would, in a weird way make me feel heard, I think? I'm an odd girl. I know.
I'm horrible at writing and the queen of run-on sentences. I just keep having thoughts and adding commas. My dad is a teacher so I know he reads these posts and cringes at my english. Anyway, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm about to embark on a missions trip to Haiti to go and work with an organization called, Danita's Children. Thanks to my dear friend Debra for the lead to this place.
I wasn't supposed to go on this trip or actually I think I was supposed to go I just didn't know it. I had a tugging in my heart to go since Sean first brought it up to me but I felt that I needed to stay home with the kids and at least have on parent home in case the other one died on the missions trip. I know, I'm so optimistic but really, I've never done anything like this before and it would just make for a sad story. I can hear it now, "the parents of three lovely children tragically died in a hurricane in Haiti while serving in a local orphanage." Ahhh!
What's wrong with me?? Logically, I just felt the smartest thing to do was to stay home and be that stability for the kids while Sean went off and experienced serving in a radical way.
I think this is where my trust in God ended and my own control set in. I knew the daring thing would be to just leave my kids in someone else's hands and go experience my faith like I've never done before but I just kept rationalizing my decision by saying to myself I was being responsible.
Well, I'm tired of being responsible. I want to let God take care of my kids and trust that He will do just that. They are His after all, right?
Well, the doors opened up for me last minute and there was a paid plane ticket just sitting there waiting for me and I knew right then, God was telling me...Go!
I'm nervous, that when I see these orphans my heart will break and I will want to save all of them. I have one of those hearts that thinks the impossible is possible if we just love big enough. It gets me into trouble some times. God knew I needed Sean in my life to bring me back down to reality. That's another area my control is obvious. I will need to trust God that He can care for the orphans there and I am there to be His hands and feet.
As a group we've been going through a 40 day study and fast. The book is called, A Call to Die, by David Nasser. I started off kinda of ho-hum about it but the past couple of days the Lord has really been preparing my heart. I'm excited! I can't wait to have my faith stretched and to do the things that scare me the most.
This morning I was reading about when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemene and he asked his disciples to just stay awake and watch while he prayed over what was about to happen to him on the cross. I mean, how scary for Jesus. He was about to be tortured on a cross and his best friends couldn't even stay awake with him to comfort him while he anguished over what was about to happen. Reading this again, I just felt like what selfish jerks these guys were! How could they do this and then when he was arrested in the Garden they all ran away, what??? (Matthew 26)
The Lord convicted me right there, Carly, how many times have I been there waiting for you to have communion with me and you have fallen asleep? Tons! I'm the jerk!
God is so gracious to me. He is so merciful too. I'm just reminded today that I am no better than the next person but God is perfect and wants me.
Wow! It's so cool to be in communion with Him. The times I've been into myself and "life" and just forgotten about my time with God, these have been the loneliest times in my life. I can't live without Him.
Ok, had to get that out!
*Tip for the day: Spend some time with God today! Let Him lead your steps and fill you up because nothing else in this world satisfies the soul like Christ does.
7 comments:
I just loved this.... What great work God does in your family. Sure the little ones will be watched over as will you and Sean during your mission.
I am so excited for you, and so happy that you decided to go. I remember you being undecided as to if you should go or not back in March. I love that you have decided to trust God and go where He is calling you. Those childre will be blessed to share some time with you. I can't wait to read your blog post when you get home. Have fun!!!
P.S. We seriously have to get together before we move in October!
Carly, I will be praying for you as you as you go on this missions trip. Last year John went on a missions trip to Baguio City, Philippines. I was the same way, I wanted to go but what if both of us dies. What will happen to the children? That's the mother in us, John had an amazing time, and God did a great work. If you bring too many orphans home, I'll take a few. God Bless Melissa Pettit
The thought of keeping a journal to track your thoughts as you move through life isn't strange at all. Many people, including myself, write as a way to mentally vent. Call it "being heard" or "mentally venting" or whatever you want, but it can be good for the soul. Your concern about grammar and sentence structure should be the last thing on your mind. As long as you can read it and understand it, the rest will work itself out.
There's nothing wrong with you. We're all fallen sinners. Worldy logic and Christian spirituality run headlong into each other sometimes. We all have spiritual peaks and valleys. On my best days, I'm fired up about God running the show. On my worst, I'm just sure I have all the right answers and don't need anyone else to get involved. Doesn't mean I've stopped believing, doesn't mean I stopped loving God, doesn't even mean I actually believe the things I'm thinking. What it does mean is this: we're human, and that makes us all vulnerable to the feelings you've been experiencing and the questions you've had. God will fix that (sounds like He already has, actually)
It's okay to think responsibly. We all have some measure of responsibility for ourselves in our walk with God. And we're all jerks sometimes. Goes back to the peaks and valleys deal I mentioned earlier. I can't tell you how proud we are of your decision to go and to serve God in this very special way.
You're so right...we can't live without Him. I'm sure you'll see a few things over there that are somewhat troubling. Keep the Bible close and remember that God has a plan; even in the face of some pretty rough things that go on in life. We'll be praying for you guys!
Thank you for all the encouragement and prayers as we go to Haiti! I can't wait to see what God will do through all of us!
. . . beautifully written, and such deep insights. I am excited about how God will use you in Haiti.
I am so blessed to have you as my daughter! Love, Dad
By the way English is capitalized. Ha Ha!
I LOVE this post, Car. You have a big and beautiful heart and I love you. Can't wait to follow you guys on this journey!
I'm linking this post up to my blog today :-)
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